(All excerpts are from my diary ‘Single and not going to miss the baby boat’)
10 November 2008
There’s no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.
Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’m no stranger to struggle.
A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background….
As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won’t bore those close to me, to death.
I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don’t have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I’d fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I’m not and I don’t like it.
Also I’m coming to terms with the fact that there’s no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven’t lost faith in any way but I guess I’m just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive.