(All excerpts are from my diary ‘Single and not going to miss the baby boat’)
08 July 2008
I discovered that if you use a UK donor you know very little about them barring ethnicity, you pretty much get what you get, something about ‘designer babies’. To me this is insanity, I would chose things in my partner so why shouldn’t I have some choices concerning the biological father of my child.
I must admit my searches weren’t exhaustive. I have a balanced belief in both destiny and also in my powers to alter it. So once I found a site that worked for me I zoned in on a donor that met most of my criteria. I wanted someone dark like me, also I find dark men attractive. I wanted someone tall, as all my family are tall. I wanted someone smart and with a sense of humour (obviously!). The man I chose seamed to have all of these things, I instantly warmed to him when I heard his voice, I liked his attitude to what he was doing, and most importantly for me, he was really positive about being contacted by his biological children. He is an ‘open donor’ which means when my child reaches 18 he/she may contact him if they want, I feel this is a basic right and it was one of the most important of my requirements.
There were lots of other considerations but essentially they were all superficial as I have never seen or touched this person, and probably never will.
I have a 30 minute recorded interview, what he chooses to write about himself, and a baby photograph to go on. But in a strange way I feel I have a sense of this man, or maybe I want to feel that way.
Eventually I bought the sperm in Denmark on the Internet, after many phone calls with the sperm bank who were incredibly helpful and gentle. It was exactly the same process as buying a book on Amazon, the same shopping cart icon and the same check out.
Yes, it was weird, way up there in my weird hall of fame.
In the UK we have a law that a donor may only have 10 families. This has to be recorded and monitored so you have to buy a ‘pregnancy slot’, a one off fee which costs about £1000, on top of the shipping fee and £250 per unit of sperm. Had I gone to Spain or Denmark for the procedure it would have been half the price, but given that they say I have a 15% chance of success each attempt hence I may have to try a few times before I get lucky, I felt being at home was more important.
That really brings things up to date.
It feels so compact in this entry, in fact it’s been months of moral questioning and internal battles. Many heated discussions with friends and I’ve had to fight my corner on more than one occasion (my GP was very unhappy about it).
But ultimately I’m sure of one thing – I want a child.
I tried exceptionally hard to come to peace with the idea that it’s not my path to be a mother and I failed dismally.
I do not want to look back and think I didn’t at least try.
Footnote
I had to find a 2nd donor due to a medical complication, this donors sperm was not certified for import so I actually ended up doing my treatments in the US.